An Excerpt [ && Confessions (?) ] .

This is an excerpt from the essay we are discussing about in our English subject . It is entitled "What I Have Lived For" by Bertrand Russell . The paragraph I chose is the one about love . Ahm....
Here it is :

"I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy---ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness---that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what---at last---I have found."

I have the same thoughts && views as the author . I haven`t found love yet though . Well , I thought I already found it but I realize that "Love can`t really be love until two people share it together. It`s not the instant love that is noticeable nowadays ."...

I just hope that I could fix things with him . But I really want to concentrate on my studies [ only two months left *gasp* ] . I don`t want anything else confusing me as of the moment . *but sometimes I think that being like this because of him is worth it....*

Hopefully , I would settle this before or during the summer break . It would be quite bleak if I could settle "this" during the summer because I might *take note: might* be busy . The reasons why :

• family trip to Japan [ t e n t a t i v e ! my graduation gift *part I* from my parents ]
• "extreme" sports tripping [ skim && skate . i miss doing these so much ]
• violin lessons [ once again , i`ll play . i miss this too ]
• gig/s with my band *hopefully*
• help my friend with his "business" ;]]
• DJ summer job thingy with Deannoink XD
• practice driving ! :P

So there . Do I have time for "fixing" things && taking a chance on love once more ? Hmm . If only God would allow me . Wa...

-- Macaroonie .

Lulz wut ?

Wait , what am I doing ?
I don`t think I should bid goodbye yet again .
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa .
What da. . .

to Shobe Jemiel : BASAHIN ANG NEWSPAPER ! WA ! NANG.LIGID NA KO DIRI ! NA.UNSA NKO SHOB ?!?! POTEK . @_@
GO BABES && HONEYBUNCH . WAAAA . XD

-- Macaroonie ♥♥x [ ? ]

Roller Coasters. . && Mystery Girl .

Awts . I`m tired of "roller coasters" . && no , it`s not the junkfood .

This roller coaster I`m on has "up" moments . It leaves me in a sense of light-weightiness && plasters a big smile on my face . But not for long `cuz as roller coasters go , there`s also the "down" part . That makes me want to regurgitate && also makes me want to get off the damn thing .

Problem is , I can`t get off that "roller coaster" , even though the ride`s dizzying , sickening but enjoyable at the same time [ ironic ] . There`s nothing to do , I`m so into this "roller coaster" .

As for Mystery Girl , I haven`t a clue to who she is . So I`m feeling screwed && confused :-/

*wah , gets ni Kuya Rendz [ seatmate forever ] && Lean [ ex-convict na Inchik ] ung roller coaster na part . .

-- Macaroonie .

Technology Vs. Reality [ An "Emo" Conversation ]

I had a somewhat deep and unexpected conversation with "someone" . Let`s nickname that someone as "Mr. R".. I`ll first tell how my morning began, then up to the conversation.... *scene fades, flashback thingy* [ lulz ]

My morning started out as any normal school day would go , considering I only had an hour of sleep [ Damn IT Project ] . That`s why I woke up kinda late , then my mom left me [ She wanted to hear mass at the Chapel ] . So my dad was the one who drove me to school . To summarize events , my morning didn`t quite start right. . . @_@

So I arrived at school with no intention of enjoying the day . Adding to what I feel , I missed the old guards of Ateneo whom I`ve been friends with since I was an elementary student . . I miss the guard who`d always tell my bro : "Martinez ! Zipper nimo, open!!" lulz . But haii. . .

Anyway ! When I arrived at my classroom , I just dropped my bag hard on my chair , sat down && dropped my head on the armrest. .Yeah , you can say I was in a "badtrip" . Let`s just fast forward to that conversation :

* setting : 2nd Period [ C.L.E. ] . Sir Jack Lovino = teacher . He`s lecturing but I`m not listening . LOL .
Me : Gehd . Isang oras lang gud ang tulog ko . 4 A.M. na ako naka.tulog. .tas 5 A.M. naka.gising T__T
Mr. R : Wah ! Atik Jam ? Bakit ?
Me : Dahil dun sa I.T. Project . Samok masyado . Tas parang naka.iyak pa talaga ako mga 2.3o ng umaga dahil sa proj kay naga.save ako ng forms , then bigla nag.pop up ung "Visual Basic 6.0 needs to close...." na window . Tapos 1/2 of the forms pa lang talaga ang na.save ko . So parang naulit ang lahat. . .
*someone interrupts while I was talking , saying "Sorry" to me [ haha LEAN ;) ] *
Mr. R : Awwww . Ok lang yan Jam. .
Me : Huy , may i.share pa pala ako ! May na.dream gud ako dun sa isang oras ko na tulog. .Weird gud un .
Mr. R : Anu nangyari sa dream mo , Jam ?
*take note ha , DREAM LANG ANG SINABI KO KAY MR. R*
Me : Kasi ganito daw un , galing ako Gate 8 . tas papunta ako Gate 1. .then nakita ko "siya" pati si ___ && ____ . Naga.usap daw sila sa isa`t isa . Then pumunta ako banda sa kanila . Tas nag.ask man "siya" na : "Saan ka punta Jam?" . Tas sabi ko na : "Punta ako sa isang kompyuteran.." Tas nag.gnian "siya" na : "Sabay na lang tayo!" Tas nag.bye2 kami kay ___ && ___ . Then sabay kami...
Tas grabe raw sharing namin . Karami daw naming same interests && stuff. . .
Tas bigla man yan "siya" nag.sabe na : "Jam! McDo muna tayo!" , gnian ako na : "Okay . Babuya nimo uy!!" .
Then nasa McDo na kami , eating && all. .Then nag.open up "siya" bigla . Nag.share2 siya about sa problems niya ..
Tas nag.gnian "siya" bigla na : "Jam, you really wanna know what`s bothering me right now?" . Then nag.sabi ako na : "Hmm, ok lang . Sige go." Then he said :

"There`s this girl whom I really like . As in REALLY like . && I don`t know how to tell her . && feeling ko pa nga , may iba siyang gusto.. Friends kami pero sadly , di masyado naga.pansinan sa school...I really want to tell her Jam . Para matapos na ang lahat at para na rin malaman ko kung anu feelings niya.."

Tas sabi ko raw na :

"First of all , don`t ever think na may gustong iba ang crush mo . Madali ka kasi mawalan ng pag-asa kung ganun . Don`t worry . In time , you`ll find strength to tell her what you feel ."

Then he said :

"Thanks for the advice Jam . But I`m already telling my feelings to her right now. . . ."

*gasp* Weird noh ?? @_@

Mr. R : What ? Un talaga ang dream mo Jam ? Sign gud yan. .Hehe . Pero I believe na baliktad niyan ang mangyayari .
Me : Kaya gani . It sucks. . . .
Me : Masakit gud ang situation ko ngayon . Hanggang ganun lang kami.. When we are here in the four corners of the school , it`s as if wala kaming "friendship" or what .
Mr. R : Bitaw Jam . Hanggang sa "technology" lang kayo . Pero pag.reality na , wala na. . .
Me : *sad face* Masakit gud talaga. .Pero I won`t give up gud .
Mr. R : Baliktad ata situation niyo ah ?! Parang ikaw ang lalake. .
Me : Bitaw2 ! Weird talaga uy .
*Mr. R shares something about his love life , which I can`t put here*


To that Mr. R : Thankyou thankyou thankyou for listening to me :]

-- Macaroonie .

song: Teardrops on My Guitar

Toinkx . I know that this song`s quite known already && people keep on playing && playing this song . I usually don`t like these kind of songs much but I can relate to it :|

Teardrops on My Guitar ~ Taylor Swift

Drew looks at me , I fake a smile so he won`t see
That I want and I`m needing everything that we should be
I`ll bet she`s beautiful , that girl he talks about
&& she`s got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me , I laugh cause it`s so damn funny
That I can`t even see anyone when he`s with me
He says he`s so in love , he`s finally got it right ,
I wonder if he knows he`s all I think about at night

[Chorus]

He`s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He`s the song in the car I keep singing , don`t know why I do

Drew walks by me , can he tell that I can`t breathe ?
&& there he goes , so perfectly ,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She`d better hold him tight , give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she`s lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone , as I turn out the light
I`ll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He`s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who`s got enough of me to break my heart
He`s the song in the car I keep singing , don`t know why I do
He`s the time taken up , but there`s never enough
&& he`s all that I need to fall into

Drew looks at me , I fake a smile so he won`t see

*cough . errrrr . i`m tired of tears*

song: Brighter by Paramore

Brighter ~ Paramore

So this is how it goes
Well I, I would have never known
&& if it ends today
Well, I`ll still say that you shine brighter than anyone

Now I think we`re taking this too far
Don`t you know that it`s not this hard?
Well it`s not this hard
But if you take what`s yours && I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

Well this is not your fault
But if I`m without you
Then I will feel so small
&& if you have to go
We`ll always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.

Now I think we`re taking this too far
Don`t you know that it's not this hard?
Well it`s not this hard
But if you take what's yours && I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

If you run away now,
Will you come back around?
&& if you ran away,
I`d still wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright.

Now I think we`re taking this too far
Don`t you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

I'll wave goodbye (You shine bright)
Watching you shine bright (You shine bright)
I'll wave goodbye tonight (You shine bright)

Well , I`ve decided that I will not wave goodbye. . .This song`s a nice "goodbye song" though XD

-- Macaroonie ♥♥x

Down , err Updates @_@

Finally !! I made a serious blog post [ or is it really ? ] . Oh well . I just want to share what are the current happenings in my so-called life XD


FAMILY FEUD. .&& THEN SOME .
It`s been proven already that in an ordinary household , conflicts can never be avoided . It`s somewhat like a protocol already @_@ Anyway. . .In the Martinez household , things are getting a bit better . But the "cold war" between my eldest bro && my dad is still raging . I don`t know what are the plans of my eldest bro right now . I think he`s gonna find a job. .For goodness sake , he`s already 24 years old && still , he hasn`t taken the board exam . Oh well -___-"

My mom && dad are getting along well though . It`s almost their silver anniversary this January . Yey ! But that means I have to dress up && stuff again . But oh well . I`d do it for them. . XD


IN SICKNESS && IN HEALTH .
I admit , there are friends of mine who are really sickly [ You know who you are >.< ] . She recently got checked up in the hospital && she recently discovered that she has a new 'disease' . She told me she wanted to die already cuz she can`t take the pain anymore. .But I told her not to let go , cuz WE`RE still here . As of now , she`s feeling better . I just realized that married couples are not the only ones who should look after each other through sickness && in health , FRIENDS SHOULD TOO (: *to that 'she': lahbyoo . keep on holding on :]*


I CAN`T BE THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. . .CUZ I AM THE VAMPIRE .
Ugh . For the past month , I`ve been experiencing more && more of my stupid insomnia . I usually sleep at 1 A.M. because of it :( I don`t want to take any medication . Errrrrr . My insomnia isn`t helping me at all . On school days , I usually become sleepy during Math period . Damn . I can`t afford to sleep during that period cuz I really need to make my Math grade a little higher . Stupid , stupid , stupid insomnia X(


I`M IN A CIRCUS. .A CLOWN JUGGLER .
Well , what my college friends told me is true : Senior life is busy , tiring && difficult . Nowadays , I`ve been having difficulty in balancing my time . Originally , I don`t have good time management && that just adds to my problems . I cram more && more these days . && it sucks . Errrrr :-/


BESTFRIENDS [ PSYCHOLOGISTS ? ] MEAN FRIENDS FOREVER .
My bestfriends are truly the BEST . They`ve never left me through my times of trouble / problems , especially now . They`re open to me about their problems too . To name a few of them : RACHEL LAWAN , TZAI SAUZA , CHA SANTOS , JEMIEL ELIO , MAUI HOMEZ [ confusion buddy . haha ] , LEAN ARCENA , RENDZ TAGALOG , SHEILA SON , MARC FORTES , ELLYSE VALDEVIESO , XUGARR CANENCIA , JAMES DEQUIñA , DONICO ESTANISLAO , KARLU CARIAGA , CARINA LEYSON , ANJEL NAPALA , MAIIKX ALCANTARA , RYAN LIZARDO , KEKA DE GUZMAN , JANUS MARTINEZ , CHIE MASIGA , AYANA GUALBERTO. .I hella love them ♥xx :)

TAKING ON. . . .SEVEN YEARS ERR , ONE YEAR .
Around August / September , I`ve been having doubts on what course I would take up in College . Damn !! I had already decided last year that I would take up Accountancy . But just my luck , my heart wants to take up Com.Sci. && Law too . So what the heck .

I took this survey thingy entitled "What Should You Major In?" This was the result:

Your Scholastic Strength Is Developing Ideas

You can take a spark of inspiration and turn it into a full fledged concept. You are talented at brainstorming, visualizing, organizing, and independent thinking. You should major in: Natural sciences Computer science Creative writing Math Architecture Journalism

Now , I`m even more confused of on what I would take up . && Graduation`s about 3 months away . FUDGE >.<


SWIRLS . SWIRLS . CONFUSING .
Aaaaaah . To make a long story short , he`s confusing me . I just don`t know what to do right now . He`s giving mixed signals . I`m confuuuuuuuuused , && I hate that feeling -___-" I don`t know anymore. .



So there ! Updates in my life XD Much on problems right ? Lol . Oh well .
GTG , gotta make an article for BK pah . Till next time . Weeeeeeee :]]

--Macaroonie ♥x

song/picture : The Ballad Of by Hale

I was just bored , that`s why I made this . A little too plain , don`t you think ? Hmmmmm . BTW , this is a nice song for me . A theme song for my life or something. .@_@